Jason’s Awesome Brine: Put the “Turkey” back in “Turkey Day”

*I highly suggest reading the entire recipe before getting started on anything, as there may be some circular logic contained within.  I also usually drink heavily the night before Thanksgiving.*

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Smashing Pumpkins-Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness  This is a 2-day recipe, so we needed to delve a little deeper into one of the best double-albums released in the last 20 years.  Disc one, Dawn to Dusk, will give you just enough rock to justify the amount of booze you will most likely consume in your pre-Thanksgiving-day preparations on Wednesday night.   Wake up on Thanksgiving morning with the more soothing sounds of Twilight to Starlight while you put the finishing touches on the bird and the day.  If things go well, Farewell and Goodnight should be playing right about the time you pop the bird in the oven!

This is really quite disturbing, if you think about it.

Thanksgiving.  What a great holiday, for so many reasons.  One of my favorite reasons is this: it is the only holiday that is truly in celebration of a meal.  A very specific meal.  Centered around a very specific bird.

 

I have been very surprised to hear from many people (and to have thought myself) how this sacred bird is often, in fact, NOT the best part of the meal.  Some have gone so far as to say it is one of the least important components, and the dishes surrounding the bird are what’s really important.

 

Blasphemy.

 

Upon further questioning, it is learned that these feelings have generated from years and years of dried out, overcooked, bland turkey.

This can’t be.  The turkey is so important to Thanksgiving that it is even called Turkey Day!

 

Well, I propose we put the Turkey back in Turkey Day!  Stop settling for the same old lame turkey, and demand a moist, flavorful main-course treat!

 

 

Ingredients:

• Turkey,  Duh.
• Brining vessel
• Salt
• Sugar
• Lots of wine
• Cloves
• Cinnamon sticks
• Sage
• Rosemary
• Thyme
• Bay leaves
• Garlic cloves
• Carrots
• Celery
• Onion
• Apples
• Wundra Flower
• Meat Thermometer
• Baster
• Apple Cider
• Bourbon
• Olive oil
• Butter
• Oven (Really important!)

How we did it:

Ok, first you need a brining vessel:

After the game, save that cooler for the turkey!

A 5 gallon bucket works great, or one of those gatorade coolers that get poured on coaches heads when they win the Rose Bowl.  The trick is finding room in the fridge for a 5 gallon bucket. So, unless you have Aunt Donna’s spare fridge in the garage, you may have to improvise.

Here’s how:

a) Move to Colorado.  Thanksgiving in Colorado means it should be cold enough at night to keep your bird refrigerated outside.  If your locale is experiencing similar temps, this should work, but be sure it is secured (i.e. a brick on the top or chain and padlock) to protect against animals. If you aren’t in Colorado, wild animals may not be such an issue, but your cat is fat as hell and I bet he’d eat the shit out of a raw turkey given the chance.
b) Fill some zip lock bags with ice and throw them in the brine to keep the temps down.

If you are using one of the above techniques, a regular old cooler with a lid will work just fine.  You just have to be sure the entire bird is submerged, and has room to be turned.

Ok, now to the good stuff.

The essentials are salt and sugar.  Figure 1 cup of sugar and one cup of salt per gallon of water.
A 5 gallon vessel will take about 3 gallons of water.  You need to account for the displacement of the turkey.  The amount of water displaced by the turkey will be somehow related to the mass of the bird.  (Remember that guy in the bathtub that came up with that theory about mass?  Archimedes, I think?  Ring a bell?  He apparently was so excited that he ran down the street naked shouting “Eureka! Eureka!”  That’s how good this turkey is going to be, by the way.)  I don’t take many baths, so I just figure to subtract about 2 gallons of water to account for the bird.

Here’s the trick, if you are going to be using 3 gallons of water, one of those gallons is going to be boiled, and ALL of the salt and sugar will be dissolved in the boiling water.

So, theoretically, you are using a 5 gallon vessel, and going to be adding 3 gallons of water. Adjust as necessary.  Here we go…

Boil one gallon of water.

Into the boiling water add a handful of cloves and a few cinnamon sticks, along with a handful of peppercorns.  Or the eye of a newt and a smurf ear.  A bunch of garlic cloves wouldn’t suck either.  The point is you can get creative with this whole deal.  I added a few bay leaves and some sage, thyme and rosemary.  (Buy those fresh herb packs at the supermarket. Don’t use it all – you’ll need it later).  Dissolve the salt and sugar in the water as it comes to a boil.   ALL of your sugar and salt goes into this ONE gallon of boiling water.

Now, if you have time, let this all cool.  If not, no biggie.  Add it to the rest of your cool water (2 more gallons, in a perfect world).   It’s just important to not put your bird in warm or hot water.  If you haven’t the time to let the salt/sugar water cool, just add some ice in with the cool water.  I also added about 1/2 quart of apple cider in place of some of the water this time.  I think it’s gonna rock.  Some bourbon might be good?

Before you add the bird to the brine it should be thawed and cleaned, and have all the crap removed from the cavity (there’s usually a bag of gizzards and possibly a gall bladder.  I once found a catalytic converter and a sack of marbles in there.  You don’t want to use that.)   Once this is done, drop the bird in the bucket.  Hopefully you measured right or you’ll have a mess on the floor. Remember that dude in the bathtub?

Ok.  That’s it.

Soak your bird about 1 hour per pound  (although I’ve read other recipes that say at least 24 hours).  I get wine drunk and put it in around 10pm the night before, and by noon it’s ready to go in the oven. Turn it a few times if possible.

When you take the bird out of the brine, rinse it thoroughly, inside and out.  Dry it, inside and out with paper towels.  Preferable ones with some sort of turkey print on them.

Stuff your bird.  Fill the cavity with carrots, celery, onion and apple, cut into pretty big pieces, as well as rosemary, sage and thyme (hope you saved some!), a few cinnamon sticks and some gummy bears (gummy bears optional).  Whatever.  If it tastes good and reminds you of Thanksgiving, it can’t hurt!  Rub the bird with butter, olive oil, salt pepper and more rosemary (chopped), covering it thoroughly.

While your bird is cooking, you can also start on the best gravy you’ll ever make.  Use a baster to remove some juice from the pan and put into a pot on the stove.  This is the good stuff – a combination of turkey goodness and all those veggies stuffed inside.  Slowly mix in some Wondra flour until you reach the desired thickness.

That’s it.  If all goes according to plan, you should enjoy the moistest, most delicious turkey you’ve ever had, and your guests will think you are awesome, and maybe even help clean up!  Happy Thanksgiving!